Metaphors Are Dumb
What’s the worst thing you could receive as a holiday bonus? If you said a piece of bread or a cake-shaped bar of soap, you’re wrong, but not by a lot. This person got a bag of treats, whose contents served as metaphors to teach them how to become a better employee.
We think the OP will need tissues more than their boss realizes. How could they mistreat hardworking employees by giving them Life Savers, Snickers, and a freaking rubber band? This “Year End Survival Kit” gave the OP a perfect reason to just pack their things, head out the door, and never look back.